Chapter 86: Par for the Course

Beeee-deeee! You get your 15^th match, and win the game. Charlie, Melvin, and even Dr. Jekyll all cheer your victory.

“For a kid’s game, that was surprisingly hard!” you admit.

The Queen, coming out of her reverie, is smiling. “Excellent job, Player. What a delight it was to integrate all those memories of the children of our kingdom!”

“Any ideas about our next quest?” asks Melvin excitedly.

“Why, yes,” the Queen says. “It was one of the cards in the game that made me think of it.”

“I hope it wasn’t that weird looking park ranger,” says Melvin with some concern.

“No,” says the Queen. “It was the television set. Children love television programs, and so there were many memories surrounding their favorite programs. And it reminded me of a deal I had made with the head of our local TV station.”

“WVCS?” asks Melvin.

“Precisely,” says the Queen, nodding. “Just as I gave Mister Rose the Sports Ring in hopes that a baseball competition might bring more players to our kingdom, I recall now that I gave two treasures to the president of WVCS, with the idea that she would run televised competitions, where the treasures would be prizes.”

“Televised competitions?” you ask. “What kind of competitions?”

She puts her fingers to her temples. “My memory is a bit hazy on this, but I believe one was an auto racing competition, and the other was something involving food.”

“Cooking food, or eating food?” asks Melvin.

“I… I’m not sure. But I do feel sure that she planned to run those two contests,” the Queen insists.

Charlie speaks up. “Those contests never happened.”

Melvin says, “Well, that’s good news, right? Now we can just call up the station, and get the president to give back the treasures! It should be easy!”

“You wish, Melvin,” you say. “You know how hard it is to get anyone to do anything, when no one remembers they even have…” you were about to say “a Queen,” but it seems disrespectful, while you stand right in front of her.

The Queen fixes you with a stern look. “There is no need to spare my feelings, Player. Giving the treasures away was my mistake. Our citizens forgetting my existence is a just punishment for my poor judgment. I know they have forgotten me, and I am sorry that I must put you through all this.”

You bow and quietly say “Please, my Queen, I am glad to be of service.” And as you say it, you realize that you really do feel like the Atariverse is your home, in a way.

Charlie breaks the tension by saying, “Look, I remember the president of WVCS back from my baseball days. Let me just call her office, and see what I can do.” He picks up a black telephone in a wooden cabinet that you are sure wasn’t here the last time you were in the castle. I guess Charlie really is fixing things up. Charlie dials, chats with someone for a minute, and then hangs up, looking frustrated. “Same old story. They won’t talk to anybody unless they have an agent.”

“Well, can we get one?” asks Dr. Jekyll.

Charlie scratches his chin thoughtfully. “Well, there was this one guy who used represent some of my players. Let me try him…” he dials again, chats, and hangs up.

“What’d he say?” asks Melvin.

“Typical TV people,” sighs Charlie. “I only got his answering service, because he’s at the golf course. I guess we’ll need to think of something else.”

“No we don’t,” says Dr. Jekyll. “If there’s one thing that dentists know, it’s golf.” He picks up the phone. “What’s the agent’s name?”

“Gary… Gary Gatekeeper, why?” says Charlie.

Dr. Jekyll dials, chats briefly, and hangs up, his narrow face smiling. “I just turned his twosome into a foursome. You and the Player have a tee time in 30 minutes.”

“But… I’m no golf expert!” you exclaim.

“You better bring that reset button then!” laughs Charlie. “Don’t worry, I’ll coach you.”

“Can I be the ball?” asks Melvin excitedly.

“I knew that was coming,” says Charlie. “Of course you can, Melvin. Hey, good thing I kept my golf cart!”

The three of you take leave of the Queen, and ride Charlie’s golf cart over to the golf club. Charlie helps you pick out a bright yellow golf outfit, and you rent some clubs. As you head to the first hole, Charlie whispers “Now, remember, this is a counterclockwise-only course. So, wind up clockwise, and swing counterclockwise.”

“Why?” you whisper back, puzzled.

“Why do we wear these goofy golf clothes?” asks Charlie sarcastically. “It’s just how things are done!”

And speaking of goofy golf clothes, you see two prime examples as you approach the first hole. There is a large woman in purple plaid whose gray braid hangs down behind her purple golf cap, “That’s S.J. Antennalator, the president of the station,” whispers Charlie. With her is a younger man in an equally tacky outfit with slick black hair and white-framed glasses. He seems to be giving her some kind of a pitch. He keeps winding up to swing, and then interrupting himself.

“So, SJ, how about a show about robotic frogs called ‘Steel Tadpoles?’ I’ve got someone who would be perfect for that.”

SJ winces. “Please, Gary, no more robot amphibians. You remember how we had to cancel Silicon Salamanders last season.”

“Oh, of course, of course, SJ,” says the young man, who you realize must be Gary Gatekeeper, the talent agent. “How do you feel about a love story about beekeepers? It’s called ‘Bee Mine.’”

“Ugh,” she says.

“Okay, okay, how about…” Gary pauses.

She waits. “How about what?”

“Uh… I… I guess I’m out of ideas,” says a defeated Gary.

“Then how about you swing already!” SJ shouts at him.

Nervously, Gary takes a swing, which hooks badly to the left, and makes a loud buzzing sound as it enters the rough.

SJ sighs and shakes her head, then looks your way as the two of you get out of the golf cart and approach the tee. “Why, Charlie Hustle!” she says, brightening. “I haven’t seen you for years! Are you part of our foursome?”

“Hello, SJ, I sure am. And, hi Gary, how’s it going?” says Charlie, looking sharp in his bright red golf outfit. Gary seems relieved at the interruption. As SJ prepares to swing, Gary whispers to Charlie, “What are you doing here?”

“Well,” Charlie whispers back, “I’ve got a pitch for a show.”

Gary’s eyebrows go up in alarm. “Starring who?”

“Starring my friend here,” says Charlie, gesturing to you.

“And who represents your friend? You?” says Gary with some disdain.

“I was hoping you would,” Charlie whispers back.

In a flash, Gary is giving you an overlarge smile and shaking your hand. “I’m Gary Gatekeeper, pleased to meet you,” he says, pumping your hand too fast and too many times. He eventually lets go and whispers to Charlie again. “I’m really glad you’re here. I really thought SJ would bite on my Steel Tadpoles concept, but she hates it, and I really need something to pitch.”

“Don’t worry,” whispers Charlie, winking, “we got this.”

“What’s all that whispering back there?” booms SJ, who has driven her ball most of the way to the green. “I came here to play golf!”

Charlie steps up, and hits his ball a short distance down the fairway. “Tsk tsk,” says SJ. “It’s hard to take a person seriously if they can’t play golf.” She turns to you, but speaks to Charlie. “And who is your friend?”

“This is a Player,” says Charlie.

“A what?” asks SJ.

“You remember, Players? Remember when Players used to come to the Atariverse?”

SJ furrows her brow. “I… can’t remember things like I used to… but… yes… of course… Players… it’s been a long time.” She looks at you. “Well, Player, let’s see what your golf game is like.”

Gary whispers to you. “Try not to blow this. The best way to impress SJ Antennalator is with a solid golf game. The only reason she’ll even play with me is because I told her I golfed a 32 once.”

“Which is a lie,” whispers Charlie, giggling.

“Shut up!” hisses Gary.

“What’s all that hissing?” booms SJ. “Have you sprung a leak? Let’s see some golfing already! I’m sure we’ll see the Player make par today, if you ladies are done whispering.”

You step up to the tee, and place Melvin carefully on it. “Remember,” whispers Melvin, “Swing counterclockwise.”

You shake your head, and try to fake an experienced golf stance, as you wonder if you have any chance of making par. At least it’s a sunny day, and you aren’t fighting monsters! And, hey, you always have your reset button!

Place the Golf cartridge into your Atari 2600. Use game select 1, and set the difficulty switches to b. Play until you get a score of 32 or less at the end of nine holes. Post a link to a video in the comments section of yourself completing the challenge.