Chapter 91: Universal Chaos

“RUN!” shouts Melvin, but you are already running, as a horde of furious aliens chases you out the door of the “Space Bar.” You bolt down the street, but they are jumping into their red spacecraft and flying after you!

“Melvin! What do we do?” you shout, still running full speed down the streets of Phenix.

“Get to the car!” shouts Melvin.

You see your orange racecar up ahead. “How can a racecar outrun spacecraft?” you ask, heading for it.

“It probably can’t,” pants Melvin “but Gary put a Photon Cannon in it for the next challenge.”

“What?” you say, hopping into the car. Brushing a few Kool-Aid packets out of the way, you buckle in, start it up, and peel out, tires squealing, down the street, narrowly avoiding getting rammed by one of the red spaceships. The car radio is very loud, playing a weird “BEEP BEEP BOMP BOMP BEEP BEEP BOMP BOMP” sound.

You desperately fiddle with the radio knob, but the aggravating “BEEP BEEP BOMP BOMP” continues. “Melvin, what is that sound?” you shout.

“I don’t know!” he shouts back. “I think the aliens are jamming the frequencies. I think it might be their way of saying ‘Calling all cars.’”

You decide to change the subject. “And why is there a Photon Cannon in our racecar?” you shout at the top of your lungs, while you take a sharp right turn.

Melvin shouts back, “Gary was going to have you do a rematch against Crashin’ Clyde, as a shootout. We didn’t want to tell you because your last race against him was so… traumatic.”

Two red spaceships are on your tail and gaining fast, and another is barreling head-on toward you. “And this isn’t?” you shout. “Get in that loading chamber already!” Melvin hops in, and you fire him at the last possible moment at the Mortii ship in front of you, and barely survive as its wreckage flies every which way.

“And I thought bartending would be easy!” you think to yourself as you speed down the street.

Place the Universal Chaos cartridge into your Atari 2600. Set both difficulty switches to b. Play until you get 50,000 points. Post a link to a video in the comments section of yourself completing the challenge.

Chapter 90: A Cowboy, a Jock, a Punk, and an Alien Walk into a Bar…

Your fingers are clinging to the steering wheel with a steely death grip, your eyes are bulging, and you are hyperventilating. But... the race is over. Your orange racecar is full of hundreds of Kool-Aid packets… but… the race is over. Melvin is screaming with joy. “YOU DID IT! I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU DID IT!”

Gary opens the door of your car, and Kool-Aid packets spill everywhere. “That was some great racing! A perfect way to start our second episode!” You hear what he says, but it sounds very far away to you. Your eyes just keep staring, and your fingers can’t let go of the wheel. “Uh… are you alright?” asks Melvin. But you can’t stop hyperventilating.

“Is the Player okay?” asks Gary, looking concerned, “Because we really need to shoot the second part of this episode.”

“I know what to do,” says Melvin, gesturing to a pitcher of Kool-Aid on a nearby table. At Melvin’s prompting, Gary splashes it in your face, and suddenly you snap out of it.

“Sorry about that,” says Gary, handing you a towel.

“It’s… okay…” you say, wiping the red Kool-Aid from your face as you stiffly climb out of the car. You are surrounded by cheering fans, but you barely notice them. “Melvin,” you say quietly, “let’s not do that again.”

“I know,” says Melvin. “That was a nightmare. But it’s over! You did it!” Gary hands you a celebratory racing jacket with a “1080” on the back, which you put on for some photographs. “Okay,” says Gary. “Now it’s time for the second part of the episode!”

“Please, no more Kool-Aid,” pleads Melvin.

Gary laughs. “No problemo… but how do you feel about… Mountain Dew?!” he exclaims.

You and Melvin both make a face. “Eww...” you say, “nobody likes Mountain Dew.”

“Quiet!” says Gary, in a loud whisper. “They’re our new sponsor! Don’t let them hear you say that!”

“I don’t have to drink a bunch of Mountain Dew for this episode, do I?” you ask nervously.

“No, no,” says Gary. “You serve it. Like a bartender!”

“A bartender?” you say, surprised. “I thought I was supposed to be a chef? And… won’t this encourage drinking and driving?”

“That’s why it’s Mountain Dew!” says Gary. “Here, put this on,” he hands you a costume that comes complete with a wig and a handlebar mustache.

“What kind of bartender serves Mountain Dew?” you wonder to yourself, as you head to the dressing room.

When you get there, you put on the bartender uniform, and even the mustache, and take a look at yourself in the mirror.

“Wow!” says Melvin. “That’s pretty snappy looking. I’d never recognize you!”

“Hmm…” you say. “I do make a pretty good-looking bartender at that.”

Gary comes in. “Hey, Player, looking good! Are you ready to start?”

“Maybe?” you say. “I… don’t know a lot about fixing drinks.”

“Don’t worry!” says Gary. “All you do is fill mugs with soda pop, and slide them down to the customers. It should be easy!”

“I’m glad to hear that,” you say, relieved. “I mean, after that Dodge ‘Em course, I need something easy and relaxing.”

“Great!” says Gary, “Let’s head to the first bar!” as he leads you out the door.

“The… first bar?” you ask.

You start walking down the street, and see a camera crew set up in front of a country western bar a little ways down the block. “Right,” says Gary. “You’ll work four different bars tonight. First this country western place, then a sports bar, then a punk rock bar, and finally, a bar for aliens.”

“Illegal aliens?” asks Melvin.

“No, no,” says Gary. “Space aliens.”

You contemplate this, and Melvin asks, “How can you tell the punks from the space aliens?”

Gary says, “Yeah, it isn’t easy. The alien bar has more neon. Anyway, we’re here.” You head in, and see four long bars, each with taps and glasses at the end.

“This should be pretty easy,” you say, filling a mug with Mountain Dew, and sliding it down to a customer.

“Sure it is,” says Gary, smiling. “Just don’t let any glasses fall on the floor, and… don’t let the customers near you, or they’ll throw you out.”

“What?” you say, concerned. “Why?”

“They’re just… like that,” says Gary. “Oh… and watch out for the Soda Bandit.”

“The what?” asks Melvin.

“The less said about him the better. Anyway, you’ll see,” says Gary. He turns to the camera crew. “Okay, action!” calls Gary, and stepping behind the crew.

You see more cowboys coming in, each a dark, solid color.

“What a bunch of colorful characters,” observes Melvin. “They look like sour patch kids.”

You start dashing from bar to bar, trying to head off the thirsty cowboys, who stare at you grimly as they march ever closer. “Melvin!” you shout. “I don’t think this is going to be relaxing!”

“Maybe not,” agrees Melvin. “If you get tired, though, you can always have a Mountain Dew.”

Place the Tapper cartridge into your Atari 2600. Set both difficulty switches to b, and use game select 1. Play until you score 40,000 points. Post a link to a video in the comments section of yourself completing the challenge.

Chapter 89: Crashin’ Clyde and Smashin’ Sam

“Oh yeah…” you say, panting, as you collapse to your knees. All that running in the Kool-Aid Man costume has you sweaty and exhausted. But the thirsties seem to have fled the scene. Melvin flies up to you, and you gasp out, “I’m… so… thirsty…”

“Well, don’t drink from the swimming pool, it’s not sanitary,” says Melvin. “Also, it’s mostly empty.”

You are getting dizzy, and wondering if you might pass out.

“Hey, why not drink from your costume?” says Melvin.

Oh yeah… you are running around in a giant pitcher full of Kool-Aid! How did you not think of that? You carefully tip yourself to one side, and fill a nearby glass with red Kool-Aid, and greedily drink it down. You’re feeling better already. “Hey, Melvin, this stuff isn’t bad.”

Melvin laughs. “Glad you think so, since you appear to be the mascot for it! Also, your tongue is so red right now.”

You stick out your tongue and try to look at it, as you head back to the dressing room. Gary is there, all smiles. “Great job, Player! We got some amazing footage of you chasing down the Thirsties! I’ve already sent samples to SJ, and the pilot is a wrap! She likes it so much that ‘Dine and Dash’ is approved for a full season – ten episodes!”

“WOOHOO!” shouts Melvin.

You are less excited. “Wait a minute – so, I have to do racing and cooking challenges for a whole season?”

“Absolutely!” says Gary excitedly. “That is, if you want to win those treasures!”

You sigh. “Well, okay, if this is the only way to do it…”

Gary slaps you on the back of your pitcher. “That’s the spirit! Now, I need you to get ready to film the next episode!”

“What, now?” you say, surprised.

“Yes, right away! We need to finish the whole season by the end of this week!”

“This week!”

“You got it,” says Gary, “otherwise they pull our funding. Ready to get back in the racecar? I already have your next challenge lined up!”

“I can’t race in this!” you say, gesturing to your Kool-Aid Man costume.

“Well then,” says Gary smiling, “let me be a photographer and…”

“Don’t say it, Gary!” says Melvin.

“Take your pitcher!” says Gary, chuckling. “Sorry, a little Kool-Aid humor there.”

Grumbling, you climb out of the Kool-Aid costume, and back into your racing outfit.

“Wait’ll you see the race I have lined up for you next,” says Gary excitedly.

“What, do I have to race against 100 cars this time?” you ask.

“Ha, no!” says Gary. “Only two! But it’ll be a race you won’t forget! Meet me outside when you are ready!” he says, gleefully heading out the door.

You drink some more Kool-Aid, as it is starting to grow on you. “Two cars? Melvin, do you know what he is talking about?”

Melvin seems to be pondering something. “I… don’t know, player. I can’t think of a race where you only go up against two cars.” He freezes. “Unless…” he says, with fear in his voice. Suddenly he zips out of the dressing room into the hallway. “OH NO!” you hear him shout. You run after him. He seems to be flying around, in a blind panic, looking at the other dressing room doors. “NO NO NO NO NO NO NO!” he shouts.

“Melvin, what is it?” you ask, confused, but he continues to fly up and down the hallway shouting, eventually banging his head, not that he has a head, on the wall, shouting “NO! NO! NO!”

You look at the dressing room doors to see what has got him so upset. One reads “Crashin’ Clyde,” and the other reads “Smashin’ Sam.” Clyde’s door bursts open, and a curly-haired man wearing a newsboy cap and some old-fashioned racing goggles storms out, puffing on a small cigar. “What’s all the noise out here?” he hisses angrily. “Keep it quiet, or you’ll wake up Sam!”

You stare at him blankly. “Sam?” you ask, uncertainly.

“Yeah,” he says, fixing you with an angry stare. “Sam likes to sleep 'til the third race.” He raises a fist. “Now, keep it down, or I’ll smash you myself!”

“Sorry, sorry,” you say, backing away. Melvin seems oblivious, just lying on the floor saying “no… no… no…”

You scoop him up, and carry him back into your dressing room, leaving Clyde glaring in the hallway, chewing his cigar.

You splash Melvin with some Kool-Aid, and he starts to come out of his trance.

“Melvin!” you bark. “What is your problem?”

Melvin’s eyes, not that he has any, open wide. “Player,” he says, unusually serious, “this will be the greatest challenge you have faced so far. I have watched others… lose their sanity, trying to do what you are about to do.”

“What are you talking about, Melvin? It’s just a car race!”

“Yes… that’s… what they always say. ‘It’s just a car race, how hard can it be?’ Well, I’ll tell you. I’ve seen players go insane trying to win this race. Clyde and Sam are… relentless and cruel. The main thing you will need is… oil.”

“Oil? For the racecar?”

“For the reset button. You will push it… a lot.”

“Melvin,” you say, “don’t worry. You and I have been through a lot. We can do this, too. How many races do we have to win?”

“Fifteen,” says Melvin, grimly. “Fifteen races, where your car picks up every item on the track, and you don’t crash, even one time. Your driving must be… perfect.”

“Come on, Melvin, we can do it. We set the record in Street Racer, we can do this.” You start heading toward the door. Melvin stays put. “You’re not going to make me do this alone, are you?”

Melvin sighs. “I… can’t. I’ve seen… too many players… destroyed by this race.”

“Melvin,” you say. “We have to do this. For the Queen.”

Melvin freezes, then hangs his head, and sighs. “You… got me. Let’s go… quickly… before I change my mind.”

You scoop Melvin up, and head out to your orange racecar, that Gary has all warmed up and ready to go. As you get in, Gary says, “Hey, great news! I got Kool-Aid to sponsor the race, too! So – your car will be picking up Kool-Aid packets! That’s why they’re red! Isn’t that great?”

“Yeah, sure, great, Gary,” you say, rolling your eyes a little, but also wondering how your orange racecar is going to pick things up… but you see it has a scoop mounted on the front now. On the other side of the track, you see Clyde looking menacing in his blue car. “Just racing against one other car to pick up some Kool-Aid Packets?” you think. “How hard can this be?”

Place the Dodge ‘Em cartridge into your Atari 2600. Use game select 1. Set both difficulty switches to b. Play until you get 1,080 points. Post a link to a video in the comments section of yourself completing the challenge.

Chapter 88: Oh Yeah!

You cross the finish line to much cheering. “I’ve heard of 99 red balloons,” says Melvin, “but 99 purple cars is too much!” You are surrounded by a cheering crowd, and the cameras capture your triumphant moment as you and Melvin step out of your orange racecar. There is confetti, champagne, and dozens of people wanting to get photographed with you.

“Okay, cut!” shouts Gary, and the crowd disperses.

“Wait…” you say, “were those extras?”

“Don’t worry about it!” says Gary. “This is TV! The important part is you set the record! While you were posing for pictures, I was on the phone with SJ, and your slick driving has convinced her!”

“To give us the treasures?” asks Melvin, excitedly.

“No, no,” says Gary. “To fund the second part of the pilot!”

“The second part?” you ask.

“Right! The food part! In order to get a show approved, you have to have a good pilot. This world record is a great beginning, but that’s only half of the concept – now you need to show your culinary mastery!”

“How do I do that? I’m… not really a chef.”

“Don’t worry!” says Gary, adjusting his white-framed glasses. “This is TV! Now, there are some strings attached, but I know you can do this. WVCS only agreed to fund the second part of their pilot because it involves their sponsor.”

“Wait… what?”

“Don’t worry about it!” insists Gary. “Just head to that dressing room, get in costume, and you’ll be all set! Oh! And here’s your script!” He hands you a sheet of paper. You and Melvin shrug at each other, and you head to the dressing room.

A few minutes later, you are looking at yourself in the mirror. Your costume is a huge red pitcher with a face on it. “Kool-Aid Man?” you ask Melvin. “What kind of cooking show features Kool-Aid Man?”

“Well, what does the script say?” asks Melvin.

“It’s just a blank sheet of paper with the words ‘OH YEAH!’ on it.”

“Well… that sounds… easy?” says Melvin uncertainly.

Just then Gary walks in. “Hey, Player! Looking good! Give me an ‘Oh Yeah!’”

“Oh… yeah?” you say, not exactly with feeling.

“Uh… we’ll workshop that,” says Gary, heading for the door. “Come on outside… and be careful not to break the wall with your pitcher… yet.”

You follow him outside, fitting narrowly through the dressing room door, to what appears to be some kind of “family backyard” set, the kind you’d expect to see in Kool-Aid commercial. “See, here’s the deal. You’ll smash through that orange wall, the one with the red trim on it, and say your line. Then, you’ll see that the thirsties are trying to drink up the swimming pool.”

“And… I give them Kool-Aid?”

“No, no, you just stop them from drinking it.”

“Why?” you ask. “I mean, if they’re so thirsty…”

“Pool water isn’t very clean,” adds Melvin. “Is that it? A sanitation issue?”

Gary rubs his face. “No, no… you just stop them. See, they are trying to ruin summertime fun. You stop them from drinking the swimming pool, and try not to let them bounce you around.”

“Bounce?” says Melvin. “Wouldn’t a glass pitcher break?”

“It’s just a commercial!” shouts Gary. “Now, if you can grab some Kool-Aid ingredients, they protect you from the Thirsties!”

You furrow your brow. “But… I’m made of Kool-Aid ingredients… so… how can…”

Gary starts tearing at his hair. “Just… look, if you get some Kool-Aid powder, some sugar, or some water, it will make you invulnerable.”

“Can I get the water from the pool?” you ask.

“NO!” shouts Gary.

“Because that’s not sanitary!” says Melvin. “Right?”

“Aaaauuughhh!” screams Gary.

You and Melvin chuckle, and Melvin shouts, “Action!” and, laughing, you start running towards the wall.

Place the Kool-Aid Man cartridge into your Atari 2600. Set both difficulty switches to b. If you need to pause, flip the left difficulty switch to a. Play until you score 25,000 points. Post a link to a video in the comments section of yourself completing the challenge. 

Chapter 87: Go, Street Racer, Go!

Your ball teeters on the edge of the cup… and… it’s in! You finish just under par... or even better! SJ claps you on the back, so hard that it knocks the wind out of you. “See here? Now this is someone I can respect. I wasn’t sure what to make of you when I saw that bright yellow outfit, but anyone who can finish this course under par is okay in my book.”

Gary shifts his weight nervously, as SJ lights up a cigar. She eyes Gary. “Gary, you told me you had some hot talent for an amazing new show. It can’t be that frog thing, so, what is it?”

Gary swallows hard, “Err…”

Charlie speaks up. “Actually, SJ, the new talent is right here.”

She takes the cigar out of her mouth. “What, you, Charlie?”

Charlie laughs. “Oh no, not me. The Player.” SJ eyes you up and down. She looks back at Gary. “So, what’s the pitch?”

Gary says “Umm…” and looks at Charlie.

Charlie is all confidence. “Remember those old challenge shows you were going to do? The racing show? The cooking show? We want to make those.”

SJ blows a big cloud of smoke. “You mean the ones that…” she squints, trying to remember, “that… we had some kind of prizes for?”

“Yes, that’s right,” says Charlie. “Prizes the Queen gave you.”

“Queen?” says SJ. “I… don’t remember a Queen. But I do remember those show ideas.”

“Oh?” says Gary, brightening.

“BECAUSE THEY STINK!” SJ bellows. “Racing shows and cooking shows have been done to death! All our surveys say that people are bored with shows about just one topic. What people want today is VARIETY, not just a one-trick pony, who is only good at one thing.” She sighs. “I knew a meeting with you would be a waste of time, Gatekeeper. At least I got some golfing in,” she mutters.

Your heart sinks… how will you get the treasures now?

Charlie is unfazed, and keeps talking. “Of course, SJ, everyone knows that. That’s why we’re pitching something new. The Player here is an expert race driver and a chef! We want to do a show where the Player travels the country, winning racing challenges, and entering local cooking challenges. See? Something for everyone.”

SJ’s eyebrows go up. “Say,” she says, “that’s not bad. Not bad at all! Racing and cooking in one show… it’s definitely something new…”

Gary pipes up, “It definitely has variety.”

She ignores him, and looks you in the eye. “Can you really do all that, Player? Win racing trophies and cook world-class gourmet food?”

You try not to blink. “Of… course.”

She keeps staring at you. Then she frowns. “It’s no good.”

Gary looks like he’s about to cry.

“What’s the problem?” Charlie asks SJ.

She waves her arms. “Unless it has a good title, it’s going to be confusing, and what could you possibly call such a weird show? Bake and Race? It sounds dumb.”

“How about ‘The Racing Chef?’” suggests Gary, and for once, you think he has a suggestion that doesn’t sound half bad.

“That sounds like The Flying Nun,” booms SJ, “AND I HATE THE FLYING NUN!”

You all rack your brains trying to think of a decent title, but nothing comes. SJ shoulders her bag, “Nice try, but not good enough for WVCS. Good day.” She starts marching back to the clubhouse, as the three of you stand there forlornly.

Suddenly, Melvin, still in your hand, shouts “How about ‘Dine and Dash’?”

You see SJ stop cold in her tracks. After a few seconds, she puts down her golf bag, and comes marching back to you. “Say,” she says, “that’s not bad. ‘Dine and Dash,’” she says, trying it out, “that’s pretty clever. People would watch that.”

She looks you up and down, then looks at Gary. “Okay, here’s the deal: you’ve got approval for a pilot. You put your Player into the Street Racer challenge, and make an episode out of it.”

“The Street Racer challenge?” says Gary, “Sure, that’s easy to win!”

You are relieved to hear that, but SJ shakes her head. “No, it’s not enough to win it. The Player has to set a world record – a show like this has to start with a bang! The world record is 98 cars. If your player can pass 99, well, then you’ve got a show!”

“Our player can do it,” says Charlie confidently. “But there’s one condition. If they win all the challenges, the prize has to be the Racing Cup AND the Silver Plate.”

SJ chews her cigar for a minute. “Those are valuable treasures…” she says, “but… well… I am getting two shows for the price of one… so… okay, deal.” Suddenly she, Charlie, and Gary are shaking hands.

SJ heads back to the clubhouse, and when she is gone, Gary looks at you and says, “Where did you get a talking golf ball?”

“Come on,” says Charlie. “The Street Racer challenge starts in a couple hours! Player, we have to get you a car. I’ll take care of that, and Gary, you get the film crew together!”

“No problem!” says Gary. “This won’t be as good as Steel Tadpoles, but we can make it work!”

The next thing you know, Charlie has you back at V. Hickle’s, where he is haggling over a blocky looking orange racecar. They make some kind of deal, and Charlie says, “Okay, player, hop in! You can learn to drive it on the way to the race!”

“Where is the race, anyway?” asks Melvin.

“It’s in Phenix,” says Charlie.

“Arizona?” you ask. “I think I was just there, knocking down buildings.”

“No, no, not Phoenix, Phenix,” says Charlie.

“Yikes,” says Melvin, “that’s a tough town.”

“Yeah, but it’s cheap to film in, so, get going!” says Charlie.

You both hop into the orange racecar, and with Melvin’s guidance, you head across the desert to Phenix. Soon, you see a strange bunker-like walled city appear on the horizon. The road leads to an opening in a concrete wall, and as you enter, a door slams down behind you. “Welcome to Phenix,” Melvin says nervously.

Just in time, you arrive at the race, which seems to be taking place on some kind of long side street. The film crew is set up, and ready to go. Charlie guides you to the starting line, and you see that your competitor is a vacant looking robot in a bright pink racecar.

“That robot looks easy to beat!” says Melvin.

“He is,” says Charlie. “But you don’t care about that. You have to set the world record. Just go as fast as you can, and avoid the purple cars.”

“Hey Melvin,” you say, “this car is primitive, but the steering is pretty sensitive.”

“That’s a good thing,” says Melvin nervously, “because I’d like to avoid being in a wreck today!”

“I can’t promise anything, Melvin, but I’ll do my best!” You flick the reset button, and you’re off!

Place the Street Racer cartridge in your Atari 2600. Use game select 1, and set the difficulty switches to b. Play until you pass 99 cars. Post a link to a video in the comments section of yourself completing the challenge.

Chapter 86: Par for the Course

Beeee-deeee! You get your 15^th match, and win the game. Charlie, Melvin, and even Dr. Jekyll all cheer your victory.

“For a kid’s game, that was surprisingly hard!” you admit.

The Queen, coming out of her reverie, is smiling. “Excellent job, Player. What a delight it was to integrate all those memories of the children of our kingdom!”

“Any ideas about our next quest?” asks Melvin excitedly.

“Why, yes,” the Queen says. “It was one of the cards in the game that made me think of it.”

“I hope it wasn’t that weird looking park ranger,” says Melvin with some concern.

“No,” says the Queen. “It was the television set. Children love television programs, and so there were many memories surrounding their favorite programs. And it reminded me of a deal I had made with the head of our local TV station.”

“WVCS?” asks Melvin.

“Precisely,” says the Queen, nodding. “Just as I gave Mister Rose the Sports Ring in hopes that a baseball competition might bring more players to our kingdom, I recall now that I gave two treasures to the president of WVCS, with the idea that she would run televised competitions, where the treasures would be prizes.”

“Televised competitions?” you ask. “What kind of competitions?”

She puts her fingers to her temples. “My memory is a bit hazy on this, but I believe one was an auto racing competition, and the other was something involving food.”

“Cooking food, or eating food?” asks Melvin.

“I… I’m not sure. But I do feel sure that she planned to run those two contests,” the Queen insists.

Charlie speaks up. “Those contests never happened.”

Melvin says, “Well, that’s good news, right? Now we can just call up the station, and get the president to give back the treasures! It should be easy!”

“You wish, Melvin,” you say. “You know how hard it is to get anyone to do anything, when no one remembers they even have…” you were about to say “a Queen,” but it seems disrespectful, while you stand right in front of her.

The Queen fixes you with a stern look. “There is no need to spare my feelings, Player. Giving the treasures away was my mistake. Our citizens forgetting my existence is a just punishment for my poor judgment. I know they have forgotten me, and I am sorry that I must put you through all this.”

You bow and quietly say “Please, my Queen, I am glad to be of service.” And as you say it, you realize that you really do feel like the Atariverse is your home, in a way.

Charlie breaks the tension by saying, “Look, I remember the president of WVCS back from my baseball days. Let me just call her office, and see what I can do.” He picks up a black telephone in a wooden cabinet that you are sure wasn’t here the last time you were in the castle. I guess Charlie really is fixing things up. Charlie dials, chats with someone for a minute, and then hangs up, looking frustrated. “Same old story. They won’t talk to anybody unless they have an agent.”

“Well, can we get one?” asks Dr. Jekyll.

Charlie scratches his chin thoughtfully. “Well, there was this one guy who used represent some of my players. Let me try him…” he dials again, chats, and hangs up.

“What’d he say?” asks Melvin.

“Typical TV people,” sighs Charlie. “I only got his answering service, because he’s at the golf course. I guess we’ll need to think of something else.”

“No we don’t,” says Dr. Jekyll. “If there’s one thing that dentists know, it’s golf.” He picks up the phone. “What’s the agent’s name?”

“Gary… Gary Gatekeeper, why?” says Charlie.

Dr. Jekyll dials, chats briefly, and hangs up, his narrow face smiling. “I just turned his twosome into a foursome. You and the Player have a tee time in 30 minutes.”

“But… I’m no golf expert!” you exclaim.

“You better bring that reset button then!” laughs Charlie. “Don’t worry, I’ll coach you.”

“Can I be the ball?” asks Melvin excitedly.

“I knew that was coming,” says Charlie. “Of course you can, Melvin. Hey, good thing I kept my golf cart!”

The three of you take leave of the Queen, and ride Charlie’s golf cart over to the golf club. Charlie helps you pick out a bright yellow golf outfit, and you rent some clubs. As you head to the first hole, Charlie whispers “Now, remember, this is a counterclockwise-only course. So, wind up clockwise, and swing counterclockwise.”

“Why?” you whisper back, puzzled.

“Why do we wear these goofy golf clothes?” asks Charlie sarcastically. “It’s just how things are done!”

And speaking of goofy golf clothes, you see two prime examples as you approach the first hole. There is a large woman in purple plaid whose gray braid hangs down behind her purple golf cap, “That’s S.J. Antennalator, the president of the station,” whispers Charlie. With her is a younger man in an equally tacky outfit with slick black hair and white-framed glasses. He seems to be giving her some kind of a pitch. He keeps winding up to swing, and then interrupting himself.

“So, SJ, how about a show about robotic frogs called ‘Steel Tadpoles?’ I’ve got someone who would be perfect for that.”

SJ winces. “Please, Gary, no more robot amphibians. You remember how we had to cancel Silicon Salamanders last season.”

“Oh, of course, of course, SJ,” says the young man, who you realize must be Gary Gatekeeper, the talent agent. “How do you feel about a love story about beekeepers? It’s called ‘Bee Mine.’”

“Ugh,” she says.

“Okay, okay, how about…” Gary pauses.

She waits. “How about what?”

“Uh… I… I guess I’m out of ideas,” says a defeated Gary.

“Then how about you swing already!” SJ shouts at him.

Nervously, Gary takes a swing, which hooks badly to the left, and makes a loud buzzing sound as it enters the rough.

SJ sighs and shakes her head, then looks your way as the two of you get out of the golf cart and approach the tee. “Why, Charlie Hustle!” she says, brightening. “I haven’t seen you for years! Are you part of our foursome?”

“Hello, SJ, I sure am. And, hi Gary, how’s it going?” says Charlie, looking sharp in his bright red golf outfit. Gary seems relieved at the interruption. As SJ prepares to swing, Gary whispers to Charlie, “What are you doing here?”

“Well,” Charlie whispers back, “I’ve got a pitch for a show.”

Gary’s eyebrows go up in alarm. “Starring who?”

“Starring my friend here,” says Charlie, gesturing to you.

“And who represents your friend? You?” says Gary with some disdain.

“I was hoping you would,” Charlie whispers back.

In a flash, Gary is giving you an overlarge smile and shaking your hand. “I’m Gary Gatekeeper, pleased to meet you,” he says, pumping your hand too fast and too many times. He eventually lets go and whispers to Charlie again. “I’m really glad you’re here. I really thought SJ would bite on my Steel Tadpoles concept, but she hates it, and I really need something to pitch.”

“Don’t worry,” whispers Charlie, winking, “we got this.”

“What’s all that whispering back there?” booms SJ, who has driven her ball most of the way to the green. “I came here to play golf!”

Charlie steps up, and hits his ball a short distance down the fairway. “Tsk tsk,” says SJ. “It’s hard to take a person seriously if they can’t play golf.” She turns to you, but speaks to Charlie. “And who is your friend?”

“This is a Player,” says Charlie.

“A what?” asks SJ.

“You remember, Players? Remember when Players used to come to the Atariverse?”

SJ furrows her brow. “I… can’t remember things like I used to… but… yes… of course… Players… it’s been a long time.” She looks at you. “Well, Player, let’s see what your golf game is like.”

Gary whispers to you. “Try not to blow this. The best way to impress SJ Antennalator is with a solid golf game. The only reason she’ll even play with me is because I told her I golfed a 32 once.”

“Which is a lie,” whispers Charlie, giggling.

“Shut up!” hisses Gary.

“What’s all that hissing?” booms SJ. “Have you sprung a leak? Let’s see some golfing already! I’m sure we’ll see the Player make par today, if you ladies are done whispering.”

You step up to the tee, and place Melvin carefully on it. “Remember,” whispers Melvin, “Swing counterclockwise.”

You shake your head, and try to fake an experienced golf stance, as you wonder if you have any chance of making par. At least it’s a sunny day, and you aren’t fighting monsters! And, hey, you always have your reset button!

Place the Golf cartridge into your Atari 2600. Use game select 1, and set the difficulty switches to b. Play until you get a score of 32 or less at the end of nine holes. Post a link to a video in the comments section of yourself completing the challenge.

Chapter 85: Got a Match?

You have punched so many buildings in so many cities, you don’t even know where you are anymore.

“We’re in Plano!” says Melvin excitedly. “This is the last city!”

You dodge bullets from another orange helicopter, and throw a final punch, exhausted, and as the building collapses, you collapse too, into the street. The radiation has worn off, and you are shrinking down, down, down, back to human size. This happened a few times in your travels, but each time, the Doctor dosed you with more radiation to enlarge you to monster size, and keep you punching. But now you are all punched out.

“That’s it! You’ve destroyed the last virus factory!” cries Melvin, zipping around excitedly.

Melvin might be celebrating, but that is the farthest thing from your mind. As you lie on the asphalt, staring up at the night sky, you are equal parts sore and numb.

“Player, aren’t you excited?” asks Melvin, coming down close to you.

But you don’t even answer.

“Come on, Player, cheer up,” says Melvin. “The world is saved, and you are back to human size!”

You turn away – you don’t even want to look at him.

He flies around to face you. “Player, what’s wrong?”

“What’s wrong?” you shout, getting angry now. “Look at me, Melvin! I’m a monster!” And you are. You are back to human size, but you are still some kind of strange lizard creature. You look at your green hands in disgust. “The Doctor has hit me with so many toxins, and so much radiation, I’ll never be back to normal! I don’t even know what we’re doing anymore!”

Melvin becomes somber. “We’re gathering treasures for Queen Stella. You know that.”

“Oh, we are, huh?” you shout. “It seems like a hundred years ago we got that urn from the haunted house, and where is it now? It’s gone, Melvin! Gone, and we won’t get it back! No matter what we do to fix things, everything gets worse!”

“No it doesn’t,” says Melvin. “We’ll… find a way to turn you back…”

“How?” you say.

“Well…” says Melvin.

“Yeah, you have no idea. Just leave me here, Melvin. I’m sure something will come and destroy me soon.”

Just then, you notice something moving through the sky. Another helicopter? No… something else. And then you hear it… a shrill cackle cuts through the night, and you see it is Berthilda the witch on her broomstick, flying right at you, waving her wand!

“Player, run!” shouts Melvin. “It’s that terrible witch!”

But you just lie there. After all, what is left for her to turn you into?

“RUN!” shouts Melvin!

The witch opens her mouth wide to cackle, and waves her glowing wand, and you can’t help but notice her mouth no longer has terrible rotting teeth, but rather is sparkling like it is full of jewels. But you don’t think about that for long, because she fires a bolt directly at you, and you are blasted with magical energy! You feel yourself changing into… what exactly?

The witch lands on the sidewalk nearby, still cackling. “Satisfied, Doctor? A deal’s a deal,” she says, sarcastically.

The Doctor is there, looking down at you and smiling. “Yes, thank you, Berthilda,” he calls to her, as she flies away into the sky.

You realize that Dr. Jekyll might not be as innocent as you thought, if he has a deal with the witch. You start touching your arms, your body, your face, trying to figure out what she has turned you into.

“Player!” shouts Melvin. “You’re back to normal!”

You sit up, looking down at your hands, your legs, your feet – he’s right! You are you again!

“I’m back to normal!” you shout. “Doc, I’m back to normal!”

The doctor’s timid, pale blue face smiles back at you. “I’ll take your word for that – I’ve only seen you as animals!”

Looking at your hands again, you notice a pale blue glow. “Doc, what is this? More radiation?”

The Doctor looks concerned. “I… am afraid I don’t know.”

“Oh come on!” you cry. “What, am I under a witch’s curse now? Will I never really be back to normal?”

You can see and feel the magical glow building. You are glowing brighter and brighter, and you feel an intense tickle in your nose.

“Player, what’s happening?” asks an alarmed Melvin.

The tickle in your nose gets stronger and more intense, and your glow is so bright that you are squinting. You inhale deeply, and “AH-CHOO!” You let out a massive sneeze, and all of the magical energy flies off of you, and congeals into something metallic that bounces with a loud clang on the sidewalk.

“It’s the urn!” cries Melvin. And it is! It glitters in the moonlight. And your blue glow is gone! “I guess it was inside you the whole time,” says Melvin, who flies over to the Doctor.

“Doc, how are you friends with the witch?” asks Melvin.

Doctor Jekyll laughs timidly. “I realized that none of my efforts were going to change the Player back. Nothing can undo witch magic but more witch magic.”

“So what did you do?” you ask.

He titters. “Remember her terrible teeth? While you were punching buildings, I flew my blimp up to the hole in the sky, and made a deal with her. If she would change you back, I’d fix her teeth, and of course, she insisted I decorate them with rubies and diamonds. It’s a good thing I put that portable dentist’s office in my blimp.”

You pick up the urn, and turn it around in your hands. “It… looks good, Melvin! I’m so relieved!” You wrap your arms around it protectively.

“Yeah, we better get it back to the Queen, before something else happens!” says Melvin. “Doc, can we take your blimp?”

The Doctor rubs his temples. “Why… of course! The Queen! How could I forget about her?” He shakes his head. “The virus made me forget a lot of things, I guess.”

All of you get into the blimp, and as you fly through the night to the castle, you explain to the Doctor about how everyone has been losing their memories because of the missing treasures, and tell him about your many adventures. He is abashed. “I am so ashamed that while you were saving the world, I was trying to destroy it.”

“Don’t beat yourself up, Doc,” says Melvin, “That virus made you go crazy! And… hey, we’re here!”

Down below, you see near the edge of the sea the gray foggy haze that surrounds the castle. At least, you assume the castle is still in there. It’s weird enough when you walk up to it, seeing it from above really makes you understand how everyone could forget about it. There is something about the gray fog that makes your eye turn away and forget what you were doing.

“Are you sure I should land in that... cloud?” the Doctor asks hesitantly. “Maybe we should just tether back at one of my buildings,” he says, gesturing to the three and a half skyscrapers that are still standing (since you smashed one) in the center of the city, and he starts to steer the blimp that way.

“No, Doc, focus!” says Melvin. “Fly down into the fog, you’ll see the castle soon enough.” Hesitantly, the Doctor does so, and, true enough, the gray castle slowly comes into view as you enter the gray fog. As you get closer, you see a red figure waving on the rooftop. It’s Charlie Hustle! The blimp lands, and all three of you get out. Charlie greets you excitedly.

“Did you get it?” Charlie asks.

Exhausted, and glad to be back on the ground, you hold up the urn and just nod.

He lets out a loud, low whistle. “That’s terrific! I never would have wanted to do all that haunted house stuff.”

“There was a lot more than that!” says Melvin excitedly. “You won’t believe what the player has been through!”

Charlie nods, but is looking at the Doctor. “And you are…?” he asks with some suspicion.

Doctor Jekyll looks around nervously, but says nothing.

“This is my… dentist,” you say, to break the tension.

“Your what?” asks Charlie.

“It’s a long story,” says Melvin. “And we’d rather tell it to the Queen. Can we see her?”

“Of course,” says Charlie, leading the way from the roof to a stairway down to the throne room. Despite the fact that the castle still needs work, things are looking much cleaner and neater than they were. When you arrive in the throne room, Queen Stella is sitting peacefully in meditation.

You and Melvin rush over to her, and she looks up with some uncharacteristic excitement. “Player!” she cries. “Little missile! How wonderful to see you again!” You both kneel before her. “I was so worried!” she says, and her furrowed brow tells you that she means it. “The visions I had were so terrible! I didn’t know what would happen to you!”

Melvin pipes up. “It was even worse than you imagined! Not only did we see Frankenstein, Dracula, and a thousand ghosts, but there was a witch, and a mad doctor, well, two mad doctors, really, and the player got turned into all these animals, and…”

The Queen laughs. “Slow down, little missile! Were you able to get the urn?” she looks at you expectantly.

You smile, and hold it up. Its radiance fills the room with light, and you see the reflection of it in her wide eyes. “The Urn of Spirit Bay,” she says in a whisper. “I… was afraid I’d never see it again.” She stares at it for a long moment, and as you wait for her to take it from you, her expression darkens. As you stand there awkwardly, Melvin says, “Uh, my Queen, don’t you want the urn?”

She closes her eyes and puts her hand to her face. “Forgive me. This urn has been used for evil, and… I am nervous about what memories it may give to me.” She straightens. “However, a Queen has grave responsibilities, so I shall be brave.” She reaches toward you for the urn.

Melvin interjects. “My Queen! Are you sure?” But it is too late. She takes the urn in her hands, and it glows even more brightly, and you see the power surging into her arms, and images start flickering into her eyes. Her face is contorted in fear… but… then it brightens! It brightens and she starts to laugh! More and more images flicker across her eyes, and a celebratory “5/26” appears in the air above her head as there is suddenly a wonderful flash of color as the whole palace comes to life, and briefly, you hear the sound of laughing children. Quickly the palace returns to the gray you are used to, and the urn floats up into its alcove. But the Queen is all smiles.

“What happened, your majesty?” you ask.

“Oh, Player!” she exclaims gleefully. “It was wonderful! Every memory was about children! Children playing and laughing, children doing all the things children love!”

You think it over. “There was a brave group of children that helped protect the urn for a long, long time. Their memories must have become imprinted on it,” you suggest.

She claps her hands, delightedly. “Player, you have served our kingdom admirably. I cannot wait to process these wonderful memories! And, I know just the game!” But she looks at you with some concern. “But… Player, you must be exhausted. We can play that game tomorrow. Now, you should get some sleep.”

You can’t disagree – after everything you have been through, there is nothing you’d rather do. But where will you sleep, and, oh! “But… I haven’t even introduced Dr. Jekyll – he, well, it’s complicated, but in the end, he helped us get the urn back. You see, it started when I got turned partway into a frog by, uh…”

The Queen shakes her head. “Player, Mister Rose has prepared a room for you upstairs. You get some sleep, and the missile and the Doctor himself can tell me what happened. There is so much more to do – please do rest.”

The vision on the edges of your eyes is so pulsing and blurry, you realize she’s right. “Thank you, my Queen,” you say with a bow. As Charlie leads you upstairs, you realize that this the first time you have called her that. Is it just because you are so tired… or is this place starting to feel like home?

“I hope you like your room,” says Charlie. “I thought you might need to rest if… I mean, when you got back.” The room is regal, with wooden trim, and huge canopy bed with red blankets and pillows, although they are tinted somewhat gray like everything in the castle. You crawl into the bed and fall asleep in seconds.

When you wake in the morning, sunbeams are shining into your room. You head downstairs and find Melvin, the Doctor, and Queen all talking and laughing, and at first, they don’t notice you. The sun is shining in here as well, and the treasures you have collected glisten. It fills you with pride to see the golden crown, the star stone, the two sports rings, and now the urn of Spirit Bay, all five gleaming in their alcoves. On the other hand, though, there are still twenty-one empty alcoves! At this rate, will you ever collect all twenty-six treasures? Still, you are proud of the ones you have returned to the Queen. As your eyes fall on her, she beams at you. “Player! You are awake! Melvin and Doctor Jekyll have told me of your heroism. I am mightily impressed!”

You shift awkwardly. “I just did what I could,” you say.

“I’m sure you did,” she says. “And now, it looks like you’ve had a well-deserved rest. And so, I would very much like to calibrate my new memories, and perhaps I can find a way to send you on another quest. Are you ready?”

Melvin flies to your side. You stretch, feeling much better than you did the night before. “Yes, your majesty, I think I’m ready… as long as… I can stay human this time!” Everyone laughs.

“Well,” she says, with a controlled smile, “I can’t promise anything, but inspired by the memories of such wonderful children, let’s play a game that children love.” Her eyes send out a red and blue grid, and you laugh, and sit cross-legged in front of it, feeling like a child yourself.

Place the Concentration cartridge into your Atari 2600. Use Game select 6, and set the difficulty switches to a. Play until you win the game with 14 or fewer mistakes. Post a link to a video in the comments section of yourself completing the challenge.

Chapter 84: From Peoria to Plano

KABOOM! You blow up the thirtieth virus, and a third black rectangle appears on the screen of the Proteus, along with the words VIRUS DESTROYED.

“Did we do it?” Melvin asks.

The Doctor’s voice crackles over the radio. “You did it,” he says excitedly, at least as excitedly as the reformed Dr. Jekyll gets. “You saved my life, and now you’ve saved the world. You two really are heroes.”

You and Melvin exchange a high five (somehow), and you call into the microphone, “so, Doc, can you turn me back to normal now? Being the world’s tiniest lizard has been fun, sort of, but I’m really ready to be human again.” You look at your skin, and it continues to glow green, probably on account of all the radiation you’ve absorbed during this weird adventure.

“Yes,” says the Doctor. “I’m ready to return both you and the Proteus to normal size.” You feel swirling as the syringe sucks you up from the virus replicator, and things go from dark to light. “Get ready,” he says. “Here comes the enlarging ray.”

Pulsing purple light surrounds you, and you see things moving and changing outside your ship. Eventually, you see the doctor’s giant face looking down at your tiny ship, but he is shrinking and backing away – at least, it looks like that, because you and your ship are returning to normal size. Finally, the purple light stops, and the Proteus is sitting on the street next to one of the skyscrapers, and there is the Doctor, waving to you. At least, you assume it is him. He looks so different than he did before! He still wears a lab coat, but his huge red face is no more, replaced with a timid, narrow, pale face that is tinged slightly blue. And weirdly, he’s still shrinking. And… so is the Proteus?

“Player, what’s happening to you?” says Melvin, in alarm. To your amazement, you realize that you haven’t turned back into a normal human, but are now a human sized lizard… or, you were… somehow, you are still growing! You hit your head on the ceiling of the Proteus, and realize that you are getting bigger and bigger!

“Doc, turn off your ray!” shouts Melvin.

“It is off!” cries the Doctor in alarm.

“Then what’s happening?” shouts Melvin.

“I don’t know,” says the Doctor, through the radio, “but you better get out of there, before you tear the ship to pieces!”

But it’s too late! You are already too big for the hatch, and the walls of the ship press in on you, tighter and tighter, until suddenly the whole ship bursts open under the pressure from your growth! You stand amid the fragments of the Proteus and watch in astonishment as everything around you shrinks, and you grow taller and taller! Soon, you are nearly forty feet tall! You try to speak, but only Godzilla sounds come out.

“Doc, what happened?” says Melvin.

“I… don’t know,” says the Doctor, looking on incredulously. “I… think maybe it was because of all the radiation the Player absorbed… maybe mixing with the toxins? In any case, the growth was definitely accelerated.”

“Yeah, and they got real big!” adds Melvin.

You still aren’t back to normal, you realize, and at this rate, you never will be. You get so frustrated, you punch a building, and parts of it rain down on Melvin and the Doctor.

“Easy there!” calls Melvin. “We’ll… find some way to get you human again!” He turns to the Doctor. “We will, won’t we? Doc! Put down that newspaper!”

But the Doctor is paralyzed, staring at what he reads. “Oh no… Oh no!” he cries.

“What is it?” asks Melvin.

“I… wasn’t the only one!” he says, somehow turning paler than he already was.

“The only what?” asks Melvin.

“I wasn’t the only dentist to be infected! It says here that dentists all across North America have created virus factories, just like I did!”

“WHAT?” shouts Melvin. “How did that happen?”

“Every dentist at that conference must have caught the same virus!”

“So what do we do?”

“I don’t know!” the Doctor says in alarm. “There’s no time! And I can’t shrink you again! If only we could… blow them up, somehow!”

“How are we gonna do that?” yells Melvin. “We’ve got no ship! The Proteus is destroyed, and the Player has turned into, I don’t know, some kind of weird monster!”

After all this, the world is still going to be destroyed by viruses? You become so furious you start pounding the building next to you, and it begins to collapse. You look down at the Doctor and Melvin, and realize they are about to be crushed! Quickly, you scoop them up in your giant lizard hand, just before a thousand tons of masonry squashes them both flat.

“Of course!” says the Doctor, looking up at you. “Lizzie, you’re a genius!”

You still don’t like being called Lizzie, but you wonder what he’s talking about.

“I’ve got a list here of all the cities with virus factories. I can fly you there with my mega-blimp, and you can smash them to bits! The blimp is fast – this could work! Lizzie! Can you take me to the top of skyscraper 4?”

It’s a tall building, but climbing it is much easier this time now that you are a giant monster. Careful not to crush the Doc or Melvin in your hand, you climb quickly up the side of it, place them on the roof, where a large white blimp is waiting.

“Perfect!” says the Doctor. He runs to the blimp, and has it airborne in seconds. As it rises, you hear the Doctor over the blimp’s amplification system. “Melvin, get in the blimp with me. Lizzie, grab hold of the blimp.” You reach up and grab two railings that serve as convenient handles. The blimp lifts up, and starts flying out of the city. It’s almost relaxing to be flying so high above the city. You hear Melvin ask, “Doc, where are we going?”

“Peoria!” he says excitedly. “At least… for starters! Lizzie, I hope you like smashing buildings, because we’ve got our work cut out for us!”

Place the Rampage cartridge into your Atari 2600. Play as “Lizzie” until you have destroyed every building from Peoria to Plano. Post a link to a video in the comments section of yourself completing the challenge.

Chapter 83: Supervirus X-7

KA-BOOM! With a massive blast, the third power reactor explodes, and everything arounds you starts de-rezzing – first the shields, then the entire massive structure of the MCP. “NOOOO!” calls a massive voice. “YOU CAN’T DO THIS TO ME!”

“I’m afraid we did,” says Tron into the radio. “I’m sorry, MCP, but it looks like this is…”

You interrupt suddenly. “Oh, come on, Tron, can I say it?”

He smiles. “Sure, you earned it.”

You take a deep breath, push the microphone button, but Melvin beats you to it, blurting out, “END OF LINE!”

“Melvin!” you shout, and all of you are laughing. With zips, zaps, and poofs, the massive MCP is de-rezzing, and in moments, there is no trace of it.

The screen starts flashing: GAME AWARDS EARNED, and a tiny laser scans out a semicircular patch that reads “BEAMRIDERS”, and a medal with an “X” insignia on it.

“I guess you earned those, Player,” says Tron. The screen flashes again: EXITING MERGE MODE.

“I guess this is where we decouple,” he says, and points to a beam of light stretching up into the sky. “I think that I/O tower is where you need to go.”

“Where will you go, Tron?” you ask.

“I must fight for the Users. Farewell, Player!” he says, as his light cycle reforms around him, and he goes shooting off across the grid.

You steer the saucer toward the I/O tower, and as you watch Tron disappear into the distance, you say, “I should have warned him about CLU.”

“What?” asks Melvin.

But you don’t have time to answer, because the Proteus has entered the beam of the I/O tower, and it and you are filled with a glorious light, as you are carried up, and up, and up, and everything fades into a perfect whiteness.

“Player, are you there?” you hear the Doctor calling, and the ship is suddenly shaking violently in swirling blackness. “You did it! The security is down! I’m in the fourth building!”

You hear alarms and… lasers? In the darkness, you fumble for the microphone. “Doc, we’re here! Are you okay?” Everything keeps shaking.

You hear him panting. “I was able to get in, but the building knows that something is up. It keeps firing” (you hear the zap of a laser) “lasers at me. But I’m almost to the X-7 replicator!”

You hear a few more lasers, and feel everything shaking… you get the sense that the doctor has had to do some gymnastics… or… maybe the lasers got him? “Doc, are you okay?”

“Yes!” He says, and you feel the familiar swirling of injection. “Good luck, Player! If you can’t stop the X-7 virus, we’re doomed. But I know you can do it!”

Melvin sighs as the strange glowing virus appears in front of you. “Sometimes, I wish people didn’t have so much faith in us.”

The screen flashes: ENTERING ANTIVIRUS MODE, and to your surprise, the ship takes the form of a huge spiky ball, glowing with all the colors of the rainbow. The flight stick lets you go everywhere, and the laser system is clearly more advanced than anything you have yet encountered. You give a low whistle. “Melvin… are you looking at this?”

His eyes, not that he has eyes, go wide. The loading chamber is made of some kind of iridescent crystal. He climbs in, and you fire. What seems like a million laser bolts all fly out at once. You let go of the trigger, and Melvin is instantly back in the chamber, glowing like he’s made of spectronium. “SWEET MOTHER OF BUSHNELL!” he shouts. “THIS VIRUS DOESN’T STAND A CHANCE!”

“Don’t be so sure,” says the Doctor. “Antivirus mode is powerful, but the X-7 has already been replicating. You’re going to have to destroy many virus cells before we’re safe. Keep shooting the cell until its energy is depleted, and the Proteus will take you to the next cell. But be careful! The more cells you destroy, the stronger the viral defenses will become.”

“How many of these do we have to destroy, Doc?” you ask.

“According to this readout,” you hear him dodging a laser, “thirty.”

“LET ME AT ‘EM!” shouts Melvin.

“With all this firepower,” you think, “how hard can this be?”

Place the Spacemaster X-7 cartridge into your Atari 2600. Play until you defeat thirty viruses, indicated by three black rectangles on the bottom of the screen. Post a link to a video in the comments section of yourself completing the challenge.

Chapter 82: This Place is a Death Trap!

With a lot of fancy piloting and shooting, you finally make it to sector 14, and the MCP looms large in front of you. “Melvin, what do we do now?” you ask, dodging frantically.

“Do we have 40,000 energy units?” he asks, briefly reappearing in the loading chamber.

“Yes!” you shout.

“Then pull that torpedo charging lever, and shoot the MCP with a torpedo… and don’t miss!”

You pull the lever, and watch as more than 40,000 energy units are fed into one of your torpedoes. You can see it crackling and pulsing with energy. You carefully dodge around a green blocker, and take your shot! The pink torpedo crackles across the blue grid and there is a huge flash as it detonates against the MCP.

“Melvin, it didn’t do anything!”

Melvin squints. “No! It did! Look there’s a hole!” And you see he’s right! There is a jagged looking hole in the side of the MCP where the torpedo hit. “Steer into that!” shouts Melvin. But just as you turn toward it, you see something blue and glowing streaking toward you, threatening to crash into you before you can enter.

“Melvin, what is that?” you ask, praying that you can make it to the hole in time.

“It’s… Tron!” he says, dumbfounded.

And it is! Tron is on his light cycle, and he appears to be trying one last defense of the MCP. “Melvin, he’s locked on to us! We’re going to crash!” Just as you arrive at the hole, his glowing blue light cycle drives right into the Proteus, and…

ENTERING MERGE MODE blinks on your screen. There is a white flash, and everything seems to go into slow motion, as the Proteus and Tron’s blue light cycle start to merge together. To your surprise, the two vehicles become one, merging into a strange blue flying saucer, which sails right through the hole. A third seat has appeared in the cockpit as well, and there sits a smiling Tron. “Greetings programs,” he says, smirking.

“I thought you were defending the MCP?” says Melvin, suspiciously.

Tron grins even wider. “I just needed the MCP to think that. I’ve been waiting for an opportunity to take it down. Can you steer this thing?”

You look over the controls – they let you fly any direction, and the laser lariats are gone, but the torpedo launcher is still here, and ammo count reads UNLIMITED. “Unlimited torpedoes?” you say, surprised. “That’s right,” says Tron. “Hisen-housel torpedoes, formed by the light wall generator from the light cycle. It’s the only thing strong enough to stop the power cores.”

“Hisen-housel?” asks Melvin. “Is that a real thing?”

You’re inside the MCP now, a truly massive chamber. Suddenly an energy shield snaps into place behind you, and you realize… you’re trapped!

“Tron!” you shout. “There’s no way out of here!”

“Yes there is,” says Tron calmly. “We have to stop the MCP.”

You knew that was your mission, but… you didn’t realize it would be like this! Two huge red guns sit mounted on swirling power reactors, and disturbingly, they are trained on your ship!

“What do those shoot?” you ask nervously.

“Plasma fireballs. But don’t worry about that. Hit those guns with enough torpedoes,” says Tron, “and you’ll disable the reactors.”

“Will that shut down the MCP?” asks Melvin.

“There are three MCP reactors. Shut down these two, and it will force the MCP to bring out the backup reactor. Blow that up, and the MCP is done for.”

A plasma fireball whizzes by your ship, and you dodge it just in time. Melvin puts his head in his hands, not that he has those things. “I’ve had about enough of backup reactors today.”

“Get in the loading chamber, little bit,” says Tron.

“I’m not a bit!” snaps Melvin. “I’m a… missile.”

Tron laughs, “Okay, okay, little missile, then. And be ready to steer out there.”

“Steer?” asks Melvin, surprised, “around what?”

“The MCP is the greatest security system on this grid, or any other. As soon as you start to shoot torpedoes, it’ll start to put up walls.”

“Oh, great,” you and Melvin both murmur in unison.

Tron puts his hand on your shoulder. “I know you can do this, User, or should I say, ‘Player.’”

As the massive MCP reactors tower above you, you grip the controls of this truly amazing saucer, and hope he’s right.

Place the Death Trap cartridge into your Atari 2600. Choose the “normal” setting (the X shape), and play until you destroy all three reactors. Post a link to a video in the comments section of yourself completing the challenge.

Chapter 81: Beamriders in the Sky

You and Tron have both suffered multiple crashes. The announcer calls out “THIS IS LOOKING PRETTY CLOSE FOLKS! BUT THE FIRST ONE TO TEN POINTS WILL BE THE NEW CHAMPION!” You then hear him make a side comment to someone near him. “Ten points? Is this arena rated for double digits?” Your cycle is going faster and faster and suddenly with a massive CRUNCH, Tron’s blue cycle crashes into the wall, blowing a hole in it! You get your tenth point! But… things aren’t right… the bright pink and green are replaced with dark, weird colors, and the announcer’s voice and crowd sounds trail off into weird echoes. But your cycle doesn’t stop, it’s heading straight toward the wall! You try to steer it, but the controls are frozen up! You are heading at the same spot where Tron crashed, and you go sailing right through hole in the wall, out of the arena, into a large, dark space.

“Melvin, what happened?” you ask.

“Stack overflow, I think,” says Melvin, looking back at the now eerie arena. “That place was never rated for two digits!”

“Well, where are we going?” you ask, as you race forward across what seems to be an endless blue grid.

“We have to get to the MCP,” says Melvin. “Look, there it is, in the distance!” He points to a huge structure on the horizon, and you steer the ship in its direction.

“This looks like smooth sailing,” you say.

“Don’t be too sure,” says Melvin. “Something is headed our way.” And he’s right… on the horizon, what look like digital flying saucers are coming your direction. Your screen starts flashing: ENTERING BEAMRIDER MODE. The light cycle starts to expand back into something much more like the original Proteus. Your handlebars are replaced with a flightstick with red fire buttons, and a loading chamber appears. It is a relief to have some space again – that light cycle was a little claustrophobic. You look at the distant saucers, and they seem to be closing in. The Proteus starts flashing from yellow to pink in a distressing way.

“How far is it to the MCP, Melvin?” you ask.

Melvin studies the “Beamrider Orientation Guide,” which has appeared on the screen. “Uh… about fourteen sectors,” he says, scanning for information.

“Will we have to fight those white saucers the whole way?” you ask nervously.

“Definitely not,” says Melvin.

“Oh, good,” you say.

“We’ll also have to deal with brown debris, yellow chirpers, green blockers, bounce craft, blue chargers, orange trackers…”

“Blue diamonds and purple horseshoes?” you ask sarcastically.

“No…” he says, still scanning, “but… red zig bombs or magnetic mines, for some reason… and there will be Sector Sentinels… save your torpedoes for those!”

“Oh, great,” you say, “to survive this, I’ll need to be part warrior, part astronaut, and part daredevil. How do we fight all these things?”

“With… LASER LARIATS!” shouts Melvin excitedly. A loading chamber has appeared, and he climbs in. “Give it a try!” his muffled voice calls from inside. You fire, and a red ring flies into the distance, blasting a white saucer. Melvin reappears in the chamber.

“That was awesome!” he shouts. “I am become the red ring of death!” he continues, and you wonder if he's ever been on other game consoles. “We’re going to have to shoot a lot of stuff,” he says, “because each ship you blow up will gives us energy units, and we’ll need 40,000 of them to stand any chance of getting into the MCP!”

You see a yellow craft appear in the distance. “Is that a… tweeter?” you ask.

“You mean chirper,” says Melvin, “and no… it’s a rejuvenator! Don’t shoot that, try to navigate to it!” But many white saucers are in front of it. “But shoot those first!” calls Melvin, climbing back into the chamber. “We’ll be at that MCP in no time!”

You fire away, and hope he’s right!

Place the Beamrider cartridge into your Atari 2600. Set the difficulty switches to b. Play until you get to sector 14, and have at least 40,000 points. Post a link to a video in the comments section of yourself completing the challenge.

Chapter 80: A Vicious Cycle

You’ve run through door after door, but each one has gray behind it, because each one leads back to the arena. You hurl Melvin and de-rez yet another warrior, and “WOW!” shouts the announcer, “THE CHALLENGER HAS AN UNBELIEVABLE 10,000 POINTS!” You duck another disk, and hurl Melvin at the door… is it more gray behind it? No! You see a glimpse of pink, and run for it! You leap through, and find yourself… somewhere else. The noise of the crowd and the announcer are gone. You are in a large arena with a glowing pink floor, and eerie green walls.

“What is this place?” asks Melvin, who you are carrying, as he is still in disc form.

“I… don’t know,” you say. You look behind you, but the doorway that let you in seems to have sealed up. And… there don’t seem to be any obvious exits.

“Look! Over there!” calls Melvin, who pops out of your hands, and starts flying towards something yellow in the distance. A cube? No… wait...

“The Proteus!” you shout, chasing after him. You arrive at the yellow Proteus, and it seems to be fully intact. Melvin is whooping and hollering, and flying around and around it. “Come on, get in,” you say. You both climb in, jump into the comfortable leather seats, and power it up. “Now,” you say to Melvin, “which way out of here?”

A sinister voice crackles over the radio. “You’ll have to get by me first.” You and Melvin look at each other in alarm, and see in the distance something that looks like a glowing blue motorcycle. “Two programs enter, one program leaves. Those are the rules of the game grid,” continues the sinister voice, as you see and hear the motorcycle revving up.

Suddenly, out of nowhere, the announcer’s voice is back. “CAN YOU BELIEVE THIS FOLKS? OUR CHALLENGER WHO PERFORMED WHAT IS SURELY AN ILLEGAL EXIT HAS REAPPEARED HERE, READY TO GO UP AGAINST THE GREATEST LIGHT CYCLE CHAMPION OF ALL TIME: TRON!”

The screen of the Proteus starts flashing ENTERING LIGHT CYCLE MODE, and you find it shrinking around you. Soon, you too are mounted on a sort of motorcycle, and Melvin, still a disc, climbs on your back. “I thought Tron was a good guy!” says Melvin.

“He was…” you reply. “This… must be between the two movies?” you guess.

“They made a second Tron movie?” exclaims Melvin.

“Yeah, it’s a long story,” you explain.

“No time for that now!” shouts Melvin as your light cycle takes off, leaving a tall green wall behind it, which makes you think of your green lizard skin, and Tron’s cycle does the same.

“Prepare to be de-rezzed,” intones Tron’s steely voice over the radio.

“THERE THEY GO, FOLKS! FIRST ONE TO TEN POINTS WINS!” calls the announcer, and the crowd, watching you from somewhere, goes wild.

You always fantasized about being Tron… but battling against Tron? This just seems dangerous! But still – you are riding a light cycle! If only it didn’t keep speeding up!

“Slow down!” shouts Melvin. MEGATHRUST MODE is flashing on the screen.

“I can’t!” you shout back, but you aren’t sure he can hear you over the loud boobooboobooboo of your light cycle.

“WHAT?” he shouts. “It’s too loud! I’ve heard of surround sound, but this is ridiculous!”

Place the Surround cartridge into your Atari 2600. Use game select 4, and set difficulty switches to a. Play until you win with a score of ten points. Post a link to a video in the comments section of yourself completing the challenge.

Chapter 79: Ultimate Frisbee

After what seems like an endless tower of I/O Channels, you finally pop out into a place not swarming with grid bugs and recognizers, and you breathe a sigh of relief. That is, until you see where you are: in some kind of large arena with a slate gray floor, and dark purple walls. Thousands of programs are in the stands, cheering, and you hear the announcer say, “WHAT’S THIS? A NEW CHALLENGER? CHALLENGER, YOU HAVE NO COMBAT SUIT! NO DISC! ARE YOU SURE YOU ARE READY TO CHALLENGE OUR CHAMPIONS?” You stare into the blinding spotlight, not sure what to say, as you see several fierce warriors in light green combat suits standing near the walls. The voice waits, and the crowd starts booing. Just then, Melvin pops up from the I/O channel.

“Melvin,” you ask frantically, “what do I say?”

“Tell them you’re ready,” whispers Melvin.

“But I’m not!” you whisper back.

“You will be in a minute,” says Melvin.

“I am ready,” you say as boldly as you can muster, which isn’t very boldly at all.

“THE CHALLENGER IS READY!” booms the voice, and crowd starts cheering wildly.

“Grab me with both hands,” says Melvin. You do so, and suddenly you have a strange feeling, like electricity coursing through you. You look down and notice you are turning blue.

“Melvin, what’s happening?” you ask, alarmed.

“I’m reprogramming your wardrobe. This blue combat suit will protect you if you get hit. With each hit, it will change colors. If it turns red, look out!” The warriors are starting to circle you, and hurl their discs your way. “Okay, done!” says Melvin. “You are good to go! Throw me towards the warriors to knock them out.”

You narrowly duck a light green disc. “Melvin, why are we doing this?” you whisper.

“Because we have to get to the light cycle grid. That’s where the Proteus is. Chuck me at those doors when you get a chance. One of them will lead there… but… probably not until you score 10,000 points… it’s some kind of bug in the fifth digit that a bit told me about.” Another disc whizzes past your ear. You’re scared, but you can’t help smiling. You look at the warriors, the arena, your glowing blue outfit, and as you hurl Melvin, who is now a blue disc, at the line of digital warriors, you think, “I always wondered what it would be like to be Tron! I guess I’ll find out today!”

Place the Tron: Deadly Discs game into your Atari 2600. Set the left difficulty switch to b. Play until you score 10,000 points. Post a link to a video in the comments section of yourself completing the challenge.

Chapter 78: A Bit of a Problem

FINALLY particles stop emitting from the reactor core. That weird buzzing music has faded away, and all is quiet. Even the static has stopped emitting from your radio. You are shaken and exhausted from slamming the Proteus around like a pinball, and collapse back into your seat, panting.

Melvin is panting too. “Do… do you think it’s over?”

You both jump at hearing the radio. “I think you did it!” says the mildly excited Doctor’s voice, echoing through your ship and the hollow, silent reactor core.

“Great, Doc,” replies Melvin. “Now how do we get out of here?”

“In the back of one of those corner bonus rooms, you will find a hatch… now that the reactor is shut down, it should open when you approach.”

Having (mostly) collected yourself, you fly to the nearer bonus room, being careful not to collide with the walls of the narrow opening. Just like the Doctor said, there is a hatch on the far side, and as you slowly approach, it slides open. It is just big enough for the ship to fit through, and you cautiously guide the ship through it into the dark space beyond.

“Okay, Doc, we’re through,” you say into the radio.

“I’m going to extract you now.” You grip the console tightly as the ship tumbles through the now familiar swirling into the syringe. Things get brighter around you, and then brighter still. You feel the shaking that tells you that he’s running. He sounds almost jubilant. “Now that you have stopped both reactors, all that remains is to battle the super virus, and the city, perhaps the world, will be saved!”

“Sounds good, Doc,” you say through your exhaustion, while you examine your glowing green hands. “Melvin, was I glowing like this before?”

“No way. I think all the radiation from those reactors is getting to you.”

“Yeah. I… sure hope when the Doctor grows me back that I can return to normal.”

“Yeah…” says Melvin. “You sure have been a lot of animals today… a frog, a bear, a mouse, some kind of bug, and now a lizard.”

“Yeah.” The shaking has stopped, but everything is still very bright. You wonder what is taking the Doctor so long, and you pick up the radio. “Hey Doc, everything okay up there?”

His voice is no longer jubilant. “I… can’t get into Building 4.”

“What? Why not?” asks Melvin, irritated. “You got into the other three buildings okay.”

You hear beeping and booping sounds, followed by the harsh buzz of failed password entry. “I knew the supervirus would need the strongest security, so I hired ENCOM to make sure no one but me could get in. Since you cured my blood clots, my face now looks more normal, and I with both reactors shutdown, the system seems to realize the virus is in danger, and I can’t override the facial recognition system,” explains the Doctor.

You remember the Doctor’s terrifyingly swollen red face, and you wonder what he looks like now. “So… what do we do, Doc?”

“I… don’t know. Climbing the building won’t work… the roof entrance will have the same security. Every door and window is sealed up tight. Curse my passion for high security!”

“Ha, too bad you can’t inject us into the security system!” jokes Melvin.

“I know,” says the Doctor, “I mean, I have a portable digitizer, but for your matter to be digitizable, your ship would have to be less than 540 nanometers... and… and oh! Wait, it is!”

“Wait… what?” you shout, suddenly nervous.

“Yes… yes, this can work!” says the Doctor with quiet excitement. “Player, we don’t have much time. Defeating the Supervirus won’t be easy, and with the security lockdown, I’m pretty sure the system is going to deploy the virus into the atmosphere by midnight. The only way in is if you can break the security.”

“But… Doc, I don’t know anything about hacking,” you say.

“When you are digitized, it won’t seem like hacking. It will seem more like a… space mission. I will digitize you and the ship, and all you need to do is find the three security cores of the MCP, and shut them down.”

“What?” you say, bewildered.

“It’ll be like shutting down the reactor. I’m sure you can do it. Prepare to digitize,” he says.

“Wait, like Tron?” you exclaim, concerned.

“No, it’s nothing like Tron,” he replies as you and your ship are suddenly flooded with a blue light, and a scanning laser deconstructs your atoms, row by row.

Suddenly you awake, and things look very different. The ship is now bright yellow, and everything looks… digital. You aren’t in water any more, you seem to be flying. You are whizzing down some kind of digital highway made out of neon blue lines. Melvin, next to you, looks pretty much the same though, just a digital square. “Melvin,” you say, “this is just like Tron.”

“Is it?” asks Melvin, squinting out the window. “I don’t really remember that movie.” He looks at you. “Nice hat, though.”

You in the glint off of the windshield of the digitized Proteus, you catch your reflection. Your green skin still glows… but differently now, more evenly. Somehow you are wearing a purple shirt and yellow hat. You don’t remember those from Tron… maybe Melvin’s right… maybe this is nothing like Tron. You look into the distance, and see a massive structure. “Melvin, is that the MCP?”

“How would I know?” asks Melvin. He is looking in the rear view screen now. “But I do know the guys behind us look like trouble.” You glance at it and see two red and huge ships that look sort of like the letter M. A buzzing digital voice shakes your ship. “THIS TRANSPORT IS UNAUTHORIZED. STOP IMMEDIATELY OR FACE DERESOLUTION.” You seem to be in the grip of some kind of tractor beam. “Melvin, what do we do?” you ask as Melvin flits around desperately. Seeing no option, you bring the Proteus to a stop.

“EXIT IMMEDIATELY.” Says the voice.

You and Melvin hesitantly step out of the vehicle, and find yourself faced with four guards in red neon hockey equipment and carrying some kind of cattle prods. “THIS VEHICLE WILL BE CONFISCATED FOR THE GAME GRID,” says one. You step forward to object, and one of them stabs at your chest with the cattle prod, and you fall backwards into a deep pit, as you hear Melvin call “Noooooooooooo!”

Things go black… for a long time.

“Player… are you there? Hello?” you hear Melvin’s voice, and open your eyes to see a blurry smudge hanging in the air in front of you. “Come on, Player, wake up, we have things to do.” You groggily blink your eyes, and see Melvin in front of you. You seem to be in the bottom of a deep pit. Everything aches. “Melvin, where are we?”

“I’ve been flying around,” he says. “Everyone thinks I’m a ‘bit,’ and I’ve met lots of other bits who seem happy to answer my questions. That thing we saw was definitely the MCP. But we can’t get there on foot, we have to get the Proteus back.”

“How do we do that?” you ask, blearily.

“Well, first we have to get you out of this pit.” You look around, and the walls of the pit seem perfectly smooth. “Can we climb out?” you ask.

“No, but there’s an I/O channel not far from here, through this access panel,” says Melvin, indicating a small rectangle on the wall.

“Are you sure this isn’t Tron?” you ask.

“I’m positive,” says Melvin. You open the panel, and it seems to open into a large empty space. “Climb in,” says Melvin.

“I’ll fall!” you reply with some concern.

“You can’t die from falling here,” says Melvin. “Besides, it’s not too far, I don’t think.”

You may not be able to die, but your whole body, especially your head, are still throbbing from falling down that pit. You push yourself into the access panel, and fall down about thirty feet into a large, hollow room, landing on your feet. It is completely dark. Melvin flies down after you, and you see his glow from above. “See?” he says, “That wasn’t so bad. Now, across this room is an opening to the I/O channel.”

You face Melvin. “Are you sure this isn’t Tron? All the neon? The recognizers? The MCP? The ‘game grid?’ and now an I/O channel?”

Melvin rolls his eyes, not that he has any. “For the last time, this isn’t Tron! If this was Tron, one of those bits would have said something!”

You sigh, and take a step forward, and suddenly an enormous billboard lights up, blinding you with pulsing spectronium letters thirty feet tall reading…

TRON

Melvin blinks, and says “Then, on the other hand…”

“What is this billboard for?” you ask, shielding your eyes from the intense glare of the spectronium in the dark.

“Check the fine print,” says Melvin, and he’s right. On the lower part of the billboard, in smaller letters, it reads “This cycle only! See the amazing TRON battle challengers in the game grid!”

“That’s where we’re going,” says Melvin.

“What?” you say, surprised. “I thought we had to get to the MCP?”

“We do,” says Melvin, “but we can’t get there without the Proteus, and right now, the Proteus is in the game grid. But, come on, we can’t hang around here,” he says, heading over to the panel under the billboard.

You open it, and see the I/O Channel in front of you, surrounded by all kinds of weird digital entities, some sliding, some rolling, some flying. It’s a lot to take in.

“This is the way to the game grid,” explains Melvin. “See, each segment of the I/O channel is protected by a seven-bit key. If you can collect all seven bits, those flying star things, the channel will open for you, and you can fly up.”

“To the game grid?” you say excitedly.

“Eventually,” says Melvin. “But it’s many sectors away. I hope you like chasing bits!”

“How can I get up to the higher bits?” you ask.

“There are elevators,” says Melvin.

“That’s convenient,” you say optimistically.

“No, it really isn’t,” admits Melvin. “They only go up one floor, and then you have to cross the I/O channel to use the one on the other side.”

“What?” you say, confused. “Why?”

“I don’t know,” says Melvin. “Security, maybe? Anyway, go get ‘em! I’ll hang out here and watch for tanks.”

“Tanks?!” you say with some alarm.

“You're welcome. Anyway, good luck, and I’ll follow you up.” He looks at you. “Hey, with that yellow painter’s cap, this reminds me of that time we visited Dr. Frankenstein… but this time, you’re carrying bits instead of bricks!”

Place the Adventures of Tron cartridge into your Atari 2600. Set the left difficulty switch to b. Play until you score 30,000 points. Post a link to a video in the comments section of yourself completing the challenge.