Chapter 49: How About a Hug?

And again the fans are cheering! You are exhausted, bruised, and bleary from the fight, but you are looking better than Iron Fists, who is unconscious on the mat. The ref holds up your gloved hand. Well, technically, your whole arm is gloved, since you are wearing a rubber suit. He calls into the microphone “The Player wins!” The crowd cheers, and fireworks play on large screens above the ring. But then, something more ominous appears. A giant angry face in a black leather mask sneers out at the crowd from the giant screens. The sound system plays a thunderclap and a furious electric guitar riff. A deep-voiced announcer intones “The Player has beaten the Ebony Blob, the Green Ghost, and Iron Fists.”  A highlight reel of your successes from all three matches flashes up on the screen. “But no player in history has ever beaten Mister Mean.” Suddenly, clips appear of the masked wrestler cruelly punishing a series of opponents in the ring. You see what appear to be a series of violent injuries. In some clips, opponents are taken out of the ring on stretchers. Mister Mean himself now faces the camera. He holds up his hand which bears the sparkling combat sports ring. It seems to glow with power. “I’ve had thisss ring for decadessss, and I will never sssssurrender it to anyone!” He flicks his tongue out, and it seems to be actually forked, like a snake tongue. “The Player will sssubmit to me, or sssuffer the conssssequencessss!” The video ends with huge letters reading “TONIGHT AT 8.”

You are somewhat alarmed. “Melvin!” you shout. “What is this about? Do I have to wrestle? I don’t know anything about wrestling!” Melvin looks uncertain. “It… sure looks like it. Listen… don’t worry. We’ll go talk to Smilin’ Sam, and find out who ‘Mister Mean’ really is.”

Back in his office, Sam puffs on cigar, and says “I don’t actually know who Mister Mean is.”

“How is that possible?” you ask. “He’s on your payroll, isn’t he?”

“No… not exactly,” says Sam. “I needed a tough fighter to make the Sport Combat Challenge difficult, and Mister Mean was the toughest there was. So, I gave him the ring, and told him that he could keep it until someone could beat him in the wrestling ring. And no one ever has.”

“Wait,” says Melvin, “and you haven’t paid him in all that time?”

Sam reflects. “No… no, he was always just happy to guard the ring. Never asked for more payment than that.” A small panel on his shoulder opens up, and he taps the ashes from his cigar into it. “But what do you care about that? You’ve got a wrestling match to prepare for!” His eyes light up as actual dollar signs. “It’s a sold out show! No one has fought Mister Mean in quite a while, and the crowd is thirsty for blood!” He realizes how that sounds, and his eyes go back to normal, and he says, “Not that… uh… I mean, you’ve done so well, I’m sure you’ll win!”

You are irritated with the whole situation. “I always thought wrestling was fake. Aren’t the winners decided ahead of time?”

Sam shakes his head. “Maybe some places – but not here! Our wrestling is all legitimate competition.”

“But who is Mister Mean?” asks Melvin. “I mean, when he’s not in the rubber suit? You must know that.”

Sam rubs his temple, straining to remember. “It… was so long ago… I should remember… but… no, it’s no good.” He shrugs. “What do you care about that, anyway? You don’t need to know who he is, any more than you needed to know about Iron Fists, or the Green Ghost. You just need to get up there, and give him a good fight.”

Melvin sighs. “Well, the match starts pretty soon. Got any advice?”

Sam scratches his head. “That Mister Mean can be a real snake. He’s tough to get a hold of, and will slither away when you try to get him in a bear hug. But don’t give up! All you have to do is wear him down, and pin him twice. You’ve been an amazing fighter this far, I’m sure you can do it. And, hey, it’s almost time for you to be in the ring! You better go pick out your suit!”

Feeling a little defeated, you and Melvin head back to the dressing room. Melvin looks over the three suits that are there for you to choose from. “Let’s see… ‘Skin Head’, 265 pounds, ‘Mad Dog,’ 390 pounds, and ‘Big Chief’, 420 pounds. How much you want to weigh, you think?”

“I don’t know. Does it matter?”

“I would think that heavier would be better for wrestling… but I’m not really sure.” He studies a poster on the wall. “Says here Mister Mean currently weighs 320 pounds, and is from Hoboken, New Jersey.”

“No wonder he’s so mean,” you say. You notice another poster, an older one, which says he’s 290 pounds. “Hey, look at this, Melvin. I guess he’s been putting on weight.”

“Ha, yeah,” says Melvin. He flits around to poster after poster. “Hey, here’s one that says he’s only 250, one that says 220, and, hey! A really old one that says he’s only 60 pounds.”

“Sixty pounds?” you ask, incredulous. “That must be a typo. Even those boxing suits weighed at least 30 pounds. How could he possibly have only weighed 60 pounds? Was he just a baby when he started? And how did he win the matches?”

“I… don’t know about that,” says Melvin. “But I do know that it’s almost time for your match! You better pick a suit and get out there!”

You get a suit on, and while it’s very heavy, it makes you feel pretty strong. You are feeling pretty confident, until you get out in the ring, and see Mister Mean holding his arms up triumphantly before a cheering crowd. He is flexing his muscles, which seem to ripple and writhe around in a way that doesn’t seem natural. He sees you and opens his mouth, flicking his long forked tongue out at you menacingly. Something is definitely weird about this guy, and you are tempted to just get out of there. But then you see the ring on his finger that bears the legend “Absolute Champion,” kind of like a miniature wrestling belt. You can see the glow of the power from the ring, and you realize that you have no choice but to try to win this.

The bell rings, and Mister Mean starts toward you. “Player,” he whispers, “Prepare to ssssuffer!”

Place the Title Match Pro Wrestling cartridge into your Atari 2600. Use Game Select 3, and pick either “Mad Dog,” “Skin Head,” or “Big Chief” as your wrestler. Play until you are able to beat Mister Mean in the best out of three falls. Post a link to a video in the comments section of yourself completing the challenge.